Questions you can ask your elderly loved one
Being a caregiver is a journey filled with love, dedication, and sometimes, a little bit of silence. While moments of quiet companionship are precious, sparking meaningful conversations with your elderly loved one can enrich their lives and yours in profound ways.
Previously, I have shared my experience dealing with the drastic decline in my mother’s memory, which prompted me to explore activities that boost her brain function and preserve memory. One major part of this journey has been engaging my mother in intentional conversations, asking her about her life to recall stories and memories, or about day to day events. Sometimes, it can be hard to know where to start with getting these conversations started, so here are some questions and prompts.
PRO TIP
These conversations with your elderly loved one are a great opportunity to take notes, journal, or record them sharing their memories.
Questions to ask your older loved ones about the past:
Major Events
Looking up major events in history that happened in their lifetime is a great way to prompt stories about where they were in life. For example, mama was a young mother when her country gained independence, so my daughter asked her if she remembers her life around the time of Jamaican Independence. Here are some examples:
Do you remember where you were when [event] happened?
Did you listen to [musical artist]? Who were some of your favorite musical artist or what were your favorite movies?
Do you remember when you first started using cell phones or computers?
Do you remember if you liked [fashion trend]?
Personal Life Experiences
Our loved ones are like a treasure trove of both triumphant experiences and memories that may be painful or difficult to recall. Engaging with them about their life experiences is not only good for their memory, but has brought my kids closer to their grandmother, and brought me closer to understanding her as well. Using photo albums to prompt questions is a great way to get started.
What was your neighborhood like when you were growing up?
Did you have any friends growing up that you spent a lot of time with?
What was your family life like?
Did you have a dream job when you were younger?
What was the most challenging thing you overcame in your life?
What was the biggest decision you ever made?
What was it like when [parent] was born?
Questions About the Day to Day
Delve deeper than the routine check-ins. Ask about their day, any hobbies they're enjoying, challenges they face, or even their simple observations of the world outside their window. Show genuine interest in their daily routines, favorite shows, or even the neighborhood gossip (harmlessly, of course!). These seemingly mundane topics create space for shared joys and concerns, and help them feeling connected and valued.
What is today’s date?
What was your favorite meal this week?
What happened on your show yesterday?
What did you see on your walk this morning?
Do you know whose birthday is coming up?
Philosophical Questions
Perhaps my youngest child’s favorite questions to ask my mother are more philosophical. Seniors’ wealth of experience can offer fresh insights and spark enriching discussions about generational differences and the ways our world has changed. Here are some examples:
Is there any advice that you would give to your younger self?
How do you feel about [social issue]?
Is there anything you wish you could have done differently in your life?
And now some tips for you!
Active Listening: Be present, make eye contact, and listen attentively. Show genuine interest in their responses through verbal and nonverbal cues. Be sensitive to their emotions and to sense if you are triggering any painful memories.
Be Flexible: Adapt your questions to their specific interests and experiences.
Open-Ended Questions: Avoid yes/no questions. Instead, spark new lines of conversation by asking "who," "what," "when," “where,” "why," and "how".
Be Patient: As I’m sure you know, seniors often struggle or need a moment to recall memories, and sometimes, there are things that they just won’t remember, or are too painful to remember, and that’s okay! The whole point of these conversations is to engage with the memories they do remember, and bring you closer.
By asking engaging questions, we embark on a journey of discovery with our loved ones. We uncover forgotten stories, share perspectives, and deepen our understanding of who they are. So, let's be curious and engage in meaningful conversations with our elders. After all, their stories are worth hearing, their wisdom worth cherishing, and their hearts worth connecting with.
I’d love to hear how your conversations go with your loved one!
