5 Lessons I’ve Learned Caring for My Mother
Caring for my mother has been one of the most humbling, challenging, and beautiful journeys of my life.
Along the way, I’ve learned so much about her, myself, and life in general.
My Journey | Caring for my mother has been one of the most humbling, challenging, and beautiful journeys of my life. It wasn’t something I planned for, just something I’ve grown into, day by day. Along the way I’ve learned so much about her, about myself, and about life.
Here are a few of the lessons I’ve picked up along the way.
1. Patience Is a Muscle - Built It Over Time
There are days that move slowly (most days actually). Conversations take longer (I’ve had to repeat the same thing for the hundredth time!), tasks require more time, and emotions run high (Mama deleted the contacts in her phone for the third time this week)again. I’ve learned that true patience isn’t passive, it’s active. It’s choosing to slow down, to meet Mama where she is, and to be fully present. Some tips to build patience:
Breathe before you react. A few slow inhales and exhales can reset your emotional tone.
Remember their perspective. It’s probably scary for them losing abilities they once had.
Adjust your expectations to what they can do instead of what they “used” to do.
Focus on the moment not the mistake. If they forget something, repeat it kindly without frustration (this takes practice). Correct the issue (like deleted contacts) without emphasizing the error.
Build in extra time. Rushing increases stress.
Use humor and lightness (this is my favorite tip). I can’t tell you how often laughing helps to lighten the moment and put Mama at ease. Sometimes laughter can ease tension. If it’s appropriate and kind, finding the humor in small mishaps can lift both your spirits. Mama and I laugh often about her weekly deleted contacts.
2. Dignity Matters More Than Efficiency
In the midst of daily tasks such as medications, meals, appointments, it’s easy to slip into a mindset of just getting things done. But I’ve learned that how things are done matters just as much. Preserving Mama’s dignity, involving her in decisions, and honoring her preferences means everything. This means you:
Involve them in the process (including decisions when possible). This means you ask before acting and offer them choices (i.e., Would you like eggs or oatmeal for breakfast? Would you like to wear this blue dress or that purple skirt today?)
Use respectful language. Talk to them. Don’t talk over them or about them in their presence. Treat them as adults, regardless of their cognitive state.
Maintain their privacy during personal care
Go at their pace (even when in a rush)
Honor their routine regarding meals, hygiene, bedtime, etc. check out more on this on my blog Building a Routine to Foster Stability and Independence in Seniors.
3. You Can Be a Caregiver and Still Be a Daughter
I realized that I just had to find new ways to connect with Mama.
We still laugh (and cry). We still share stories. We still love each other fiercely. The relationship evolves, but our bond remains.
This was a tough one. I’ve always relied on Mama for her strength. She always seemed to know when I needed her. As our roles began to change, I struggled with feeling like I had “lost” my mother in some ways. But I realized that I just had to find new ways to connect with her. We still laugh and cry. We still share stories. We still love each other fiercely. The relationship evolves, but the bond remains. I talk more about this in my blog: When the Roles Change: 5 Tips for Navigating the Role Reversal Caring for an Aging Parent.
4. Support Systems Are Essential
Caregiving can be lonely. Trying to do it alone is even lonelier. Use your support system or find one if you have none. Whether it’s family, friends, a support group, or professionals, leaning on others doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And it keeps you from burning out. I talk more about this in my blog: Nurture the Nurturer: Tips for Family Caregivers on Balancing Self-Care with Caregiving, check it out.
5. The Small Moments Are Everything
Mama’s pure joy when my sister or her grandchild makes a surprise visit. Her intensity when she does her puzzles. Her dramatic outbursts when watching her favorite shows. Her joy when I show her a basket of fresh vegetables from our garden. Her confidence and pride wearing a new outfit. Her delight indulging in a rare dessert.
These are the things I’ll remember long after the day to day demands fade.
PRO TIP: Be sure to keep a journal and jot down these moments so you can have them to remember in difficult times, and also in the future.
Final Thoughts
Caring for Mama taught me to love more deeply, listen more carefully, and show up even when it’s hard. It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it. If you’re on a similar journey, know that you’re not alone, and that the love and care you’re giving is making a difference in ways words can’t fully express.
