***Whether your parent is overly critical, constantly calling for attention, or resistant to help while demanding it at the same time, it can make you feel overwhelmed.***

***And, it doesn’t make you a bad caregiver, or a bad child for admitting it.***

Caring for a parent is one of the most meaningful roles we’ll ever take on, but when that parent is particularly demanding (edit - strong-willed) it can also be one of the most emotionally complex. There’s the love, of course. The history. The sense of duty. But there can also be resentment, fatigue, and guilt, especially when your efforts never seem to be enough.

Whether your parent is overly critical, constantly calling for attention, or resistant to help while demanding it at the same time, you’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed. And it doesn’t make you a bad caregiver, or a bad child for admitting it.

My Journey | Mama has always been fiercely independent. She was the problem solver, the go-to person everyone relied on, the one others turned to in a crisis. If something needed doing, she did it..decisively, efficiently, and her way. That was her identity: capable, determined, and in control.

Now, things have changed. She can no longer take care of the things she used to. Her body moves slower, often with pain. Her memory sometimes falters. And, now she has to rely on others to get things done. But one thing that hasn’t changed is her expectation. Whether it’s doing things when she wants it done (her laundry), or how she wants it done (her coffee) , that part of her has not gone anywhere.

At first, it was really hard not to take it personally (I still do at times). I struggled hearing the complaints (even though she mostly complained to my sister). It felt like nothing I did was quite right. I was trying so hard juggling her care and managing my own responsibilities. I found myself feeling frustrated and resentful.

Over time, I came understand the truth behind her behavior. It isn’t about the laundry or the coffee. It’s much more complicated. Mama was losing control over the life she built. Wanting things done “her way” was a way of holding on to the person she has always been. Her way of saying “I still matter. I still know how I like things.”

The challenge for me: How do I honor her preferences and preserve her dignity, without losing myself in the process? How do I protect my own energy and create the space to do things in a way that works for me? AND, how do I offer grace to both of us in this difficult situation?

Understanding the “Why” Behind the Demands

***Often, a strong-willed aging parent is expressing something deeper.***

***Recognizing these underlying reasons can help to reframe the situation.***

The behavior may be rooted in:

Fear: of losing independence, control, or dignity

Loneliness: Due to a need for connection that’s expressed through constant calls or complaints

Cognitive or physical decline or illness: Including dementia, chronic pain, or anxiety

Old habits: Especially if they’ve always been used to having things their way

Grief and Loss: Instead of expressing sadness directly, they may lash out, resist help, or become overly critical

Recognizing these underlying reasons can help to reframe the situation. It’s not about excusing harmful behavior, it’s about understanding where it might be coming from and responding with more clarity, and less emotional exhaustion.

How to Cope (Without Burning Out)

Make it stand out

The small, everyday frustrations of caregiving can build up quickly. A sharp comment her, a repeated reminder there, and before you know it, those moments can escalate fast, leaving you drained, reactive and overwhelmed. That’s why having a few simple go-to strategies in your caregiving toolbox is so important. These are practical ways to stay grounded, calm, and in control when the moment tests your patience.

Here are a few strategies that might help you and your aging parent/loved one:

1. Set Boundaries (Lovingly but Firmly)

Boundaries are not about punishment, they’re about sustainability. Be clear about what you can and cannot do. Try: “I want to spend time with you, but I will not be able to sit with you all day. Let’s plan to sit together after dinner.” Or, “I plan to do the laundry on Saturday morning, no need to make other arrangements.” Or, “Thanks for the reminder, I have the ____ on the shopping list.”

2. Don’t Personalize Every Complaint (It’s Not About You)

It’s easy to internalize criticism or negativity, but try to remember that the frustration your parent expresses may not really be about you. Often, it’s about what they’re losing (mobility, control, comfort) and not who you are, how much you do, or how you do it.

3. Use Empathy and Redirection (Seek to Understand and Move Forward)

Instead of arguing or trying to “correct” everything, sometimes it helps to redirect the conversation. For Mama, she struggles accepting that she cannot eat the things she loved all her life. Now she has to adhere to a restricted diet due to her health issues. This is an ongoing area of frustration, and I do try to empathize what it must be like for her.

For example: “I understand you didn’t like your dinner tonight. What would you like for tomorrow’s dinner instead, given the limits of what you can have?”

4. Take Your Own Wellbeing (Seriously)

Your mental health matters. Your sleep matters. Your joy matters. Burnout doesn’t help anyone, and you deserve support, rest, and care, too.

5. Use a Routine to Create Stability (Be Predictable)

Demanding behavior often increases with uncertainty or lack of structure. Establishing a daily routine for meals, medication, walks, calls, etc., can give both you and your parent a sense of predictability and control. It may not stop the demands, but it can reduce the intensity and frequency. Check out my blog Building a Routine to Nurture Stability and Independence for Seniors.

PRO TIP: Post the routine somewhere visible so they can refer to it instead of asking you repeatedly. Mama knows now that I only do laundry on weekends, unless I have time during the week. This helps to manage her expectations.

6. Validate Their Feelings (Without Giving In to Every Demand)

Sometimes, just feeling heard makes all the difference. You can acknowledge their emotions without agreeing to unreasonable requests. Try: “I hear that you’re feeling frustrated. That must be hard.” or “I can tell you’re upset, and I want to help within what I’m able to do.”

7. Keep Communication Simple and Calm (..Cool and Collected)

When emotions run high, clarity matters. Use short, clear statements. Avoid long explanations or arguments that may confuse or escalate the situation. And if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, take a pause. For example: Mama keeps reminding me about something that’s running out (I already know about this, and don’t need reminding). My response: “Thanks, Mama. I’ve got it covered.” Or, “No need to remind me again, I’ve already added it to the list. Would you like to take a look at the list?” This response acknowledges her concern, sets a boundary, and prevent escalation.

PRO TIP: As Mama’s short term memory is faltering, I keep a response for common situations in my mental tool box, and use them on repeat. This helps me to acknowledge and reframe the way I think about the situation, therefore tempering my response. It’s not full proof, as I still get frustrated, but nowhere as often.

8. Prioritize What Really Matters (Not Everything is Worth Getting Worked Up About)

You can’t win every battle, and not every request needs to be met. Decide what’s worth the energy. If it’s not a safety or health issue, it might be okay to let it go or find a compromise. Ask yourself: “Is this a hill I want to climb today?”

9. Create Small Moments of Joy (Have a Good Belly Laugh)

Even if your parent is demanding or negative, look for moments to laugh together or do something they enjoy. A favorite snack, music from their youth, or a 10-minute drive can shift the emotional tone of the day.

10. Journal Your Experience (Write it Down)

Caregiving for a demanding parent can stir up a lot of resentment, guilt, sadness, even grief for the parent they once were. Writing your thoughts in a private journal can help you process them without judgment.

11. Get Support (from People Who Understand)

Online or local support groups for caregivers are powerful spaces to vent, share tips, and feel less isolated. You’re not the only one going through this and connecting with others can be incredibly validating.

12. Ask for Help (Seriously)

You don’t have to do it all alone. Whether it's hiring respite care, or leaning on family, ask. Help isn’t a luxury but a necessity. And sometimes, family or others may have ideas on how to deal with the situation.

13. Use Technology to Share the Load

Apps like CareZone, CaringBridge, or Google Calendar can help track appointments, medications, and share updates with siblings or helpers. My current favorite is the Skylight Calendar. It helps prevent one person (you) from being the sole communicator or organizer.

14. Give Yourself Permission to Step Away (Self-Care Matters)

Even if it’s just 15 minutes a day, find time to be you, not the caregiver. Read, walk, breathe. You are allowed to have needs, joy, and rest. Check out my blog post on Care for the Caregiver: Recognizing and Managing Caregiver Burnout.

When It’s Time to Seek Professional Support

If your parent’s behavior becomes emotionally abusive, or if you feel unsafe, it’s okay to bring in professionals. A geriatric care manager, therapist, or social worker can help mediate difficult dynamics and offer solutions you might not be able to see from inside the stress. You should talk to your parent’s healthcare provider about the behavior to determine if there are medical causes.

Giving Grace to Them and Yourself

Make it stand out

***It’s about recognizing that their demands may come from fear, grief, pain, or loss of control, and choosing to meet them with kindness instead of anger.***

Feeling frustrated when your aging parent is being demanding or difficult doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human, and the relationship is layered. It’s okay to feel exhausted. It’s okay to need breaks. And it’s okay to love someone and still feel frustrated by them. So, give grace!

This means choosing to respond with patience, compassion, and understanding even when their behavior is exhausting, frustrating, or hurtful. It doesn’t mean ignoring boundaries or excusing toxic behavior. It’s about recognizing that their demands may come from fear, grief, pain, or loss of control, and choosing to meet them with kindness instead of anger.

Caring for your aging parent is incredibly hard. No one has it all figured out. You’re doing it with heart and that matters more than you know. Even if it’s not always seen or appreciated in the moment. Give grace to your parent, yes but also to yourself.